“Because I want to.” Is a good enough reason…
I turned 21 and miserable. I should be having the time of my life. I had friends all around me, but yet I felt so different from them. I was tired.
Tired of doing the same thing over and over with them. Going to clubs, and bars. Especially only going to the clubs we can get into for free or we just didn’t end up going. And making sure we pre-gamed it (starting the night off right drinking before heading out) to save money by not spending at the bar. A continuous cycle I was caught in. We all looked the part in having a full life but yet we was all broke. I wanted more.
I had subconsciously conditioned myself to constantly seek my parents’ approval. Go to college, work for the government, date the men they approved of, get married, and have kids. However, we had love, and that was enough. Or so I thought, until I began to discover that I was a bit different from the rest of my family. I wanted to break out and try new things. I wanted to experience the world around me.
I felt guilty because I wanted more.
I was keeping myself stuck in a relationship that didn’t feel right to me anymore. I wanted to end it, but I didn’t know how.
Okay…Okay, that’s a lie – I did know how. Because it only takes one short, honest conversation to end a relationship.
The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know how to do it, the problem is that I felt ashamed that I even wanted to do it in the first place. He was great, nothing was “wrong”, so shouldn’t I just stick around and be happy? He just couldn’t provide me with the lifestyle I wanted, and he was comfortable with where he was in life and didn’t want more. A routine had emerged. Movies, takeout, cooking at his place, and the couch became the norm. I wanted more.
I was convinced that I needed a “good reason” to end the relationship (whatever that means), and since I didn’t I found myself creating unnecessary arguments in hopes that he would break up with me, and I was seeing other people. I moved to another state with some desperate hope that the geographic distance would magically make the relationship disappear.
It didn’t, and in the end things only got worse and worse, leaving him confused and broken-hearted, and leaving me more ashamed than ever.
I wanted to be this entrepreneur but didn’t know a thing about how to create a life around it. I would spend hours upon hours strolling the aisles of Barnes & Noble surrounded by books that I hoped would give me the knowledge I was seeking to get me to that next level. But they ended up on a shelf collecting dust. A quick burst of momentum short-lived. I just didn’t know how to apply the information to make it work and found myself discouraged. I would come across others who were doing things that I wanted. But I didn’t jump because I was scared of the investment, doubts, and fears that clouded what I was wanting to achieve.
And so, a pattern emerged.
Relationships, habits, lifestyle choices, and all kinds of other situations would begin to hit a natural end point.
At the heart of it, it comes down to trust. Or lack of trust, I should say, because each time I felt that same intuitive nudge to let go and move on, but I didn’t trust myself enough to act on it.
Here’s what I didn’t realize back then:
“Because I don’t want to” is an incredibly valid reason not to do something.
I thought the time invested in a relationship was a good enough reason I gave myself to stay. I thought by hanging around the same friends meant that I was loyal.
I thought the constant approval of my parents would make sure I was on the right path in my life.
I thought it had to be dramatic and complicated, that relationships, living situations, and the unknown of making a dramatic life change and everything else should only be ended if something terrible happened.
It feels crazy to me that I’ve lived like this for years without ever realizing it.
That realization came after a seemingly endless stream of conversations about “what am I going to do with my life?”
For months now I’ve been in a place of confusion and uncertainty. It was a quiet type of agony, the one that you can’t fully explain, even to yourself, because nothing is wrong and yet everything feels off.
I finally realized. “I’ve been here before. This is what growth feels like for me.”
I have been confused and uncertain these past few months because I am growing.
The ideas I’m obsessed with have been new lately. The topics, the conversations I’m having, the questions I’m fascinated by, the things I care about (and don’t care about), the message I want to spread – it’s all shifting.
But I haven’t been letting my work shift with it.
I kept telling myself, “People expect X, so you have to continue doing X.” But I was wrong.
Just because you’ve been doing something a certain way for a month or a year or 10 years doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it or living that way. If you want to stop, you can stop. If you want to change, you can change.
And perhaps the best realization for me is that I don’t have to drill myself down into a place of total misery before change is possible. I can just… change. Now. Because I want to.
So I looked around at my life and asked, “What doesn’t feel good anymore?”
And for the first time, I listened.
I changed all aspects of my life.
And the answer for me isn’t that I want to do something dramatically different; that’s not it. But for where I am in my life now, I do know that the ideas I’ve been journaling about and the projects I’m dying to work on lately are different than they were a few months ago. The questions I want to answer, they seem to be taking on a new flavor. I’m evolving, and I need to give myself space to explore what comes next.
So, for the first time in my life, I gave myself permission to let go, and start fresh. Because I want to.
And that’s how I found myself changing my site around. Years’ worth of writing that no longer feels like it fits me.
I let go of relationships that didn’t feel right to me. I allowed myself to evolve by connecting with others to help me grow. I allowed myself to ask for help because I know I can’t do it alone and that is okay. I allowed myself to let go of friendships that was not conducive to my well-being. I allowed myself to live the way I want to live and not how others feel as though I should be living. I allowed myself to change my relationship with money to invest in myself.
I have no idea what comes next. All I know is that my work is evolving, and that I am okay with that.
Big change happens when you decide that you want the dream more than you fear the reality. And being a Sugar Baby is a choice. It’s a decision. It’s dating the way others won’t to have the things others don’t. If you are stuck or don’t know what to do next…Let’s talk.
I can’t promise you the moon and the stars but I can guarantee that you will be in a different place than where you are now.
Let me ask you this:
Is it time? Your time? Are you sick of sitting on the sidelines of life watching other people live the way you want to while you just get by?
Are you just “Sugar Baby Winging It”? I just want to be open with you. Are you up to putting yourself in an environment that will mentally, emotionally, and financially transform your life? Join me here.